Quotes
YOUTH and AGE
Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything.
John Hinde
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
Bumper Sticker
One of the delights of being a senior citizen is it’s easy to annoy young people. Step 1: get in the car. Step 2: turn the indicator on. Step 3: leave it on for 50 miles.
David Letterman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.
James T. Adams
A lecture is a process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
R. K. Rathbun
The university student: pounds of brains and barely an ounce of common sense.
Anonymous
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus
This is a youth-orientated society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.
Dorothy Fuldheim
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
Young people know the rules. Old people know the exceptions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Old people have one advantage compared with young ones. They have been young themselves, and young people haven’t been old.
Lord Longford
All sorts of allowances are made for the illusions of youth; and none for the disenchantments of old age.
Robert Louis Stevenson
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm.
George Carlin
You know you’re getting older when fortune-tellers offer to read your face.
J. K. N
You know you’re getting older when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you’re not wearing any.
Leonard L. Knott
You know you’re getting old when you feel like the day after the night before and you haven’t even been anywhere.
Milton Berle
Trouble is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
Mick Jagger told me the wrinkles on his face were laughter lines, but nothing is that funny.
George Melly
Middle-age is when instead of combing your hair, you start “arranging” it.
Herbert I. Kavet
Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
Judith Stern
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
Henry Brightman
A prune is an experienced plum.
John Trattner
‘The Ancient Mariner’ would not have been so popular if it had been called ‘The Old Sailor’.
Alan Coren
If you don’t go to other men’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.
Clarence S. Day
Middle-age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.
Bob Phillips
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
I’m still chasing pretty girls. I don’t remember what for but I’m still chasing them.
Joe E Lewis
My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where the hell he is.
Ellen de Generis
I exercise every morning without fail. Up, down! Up, down! And then the other eyelid.
Phyllis Diller
To have the respect of my peers and the admiration of young people beats plastic surgery any day.
Johnny Cash
The doctor said to me, ‘You’re going to live till you’re 60.’ I said, ‘I am 60.’ He said, ‘What did I tell you?"
Henry Youngman
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
George Burns
When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner
Now I’m getting older, I don’t need to do drugs anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.
Jonathan Katz
If I’m feeling really wild I don’t bother flossing before bedtime.
Judith Viorst
At 50, the madwoman in the attic breaks loose, stomps down the stairs, and sets fire to the house. She won’t be imprisoned anymore.
Erica Jong
As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away, and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages, of course, but these are the outstanding ones.
Richard Needham
I have everything I had 20 years ago... only it’s all a bit lower.
Lois L. Kaufman
Just about the time when you realise you’re over-the-hill your brakes give in.
Anonymous
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
When I turned 2 I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m 6 I’ll be 90.
Steven Wright
A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast.
Ed Howe
Many people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75.
Max Frisch
Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky.
Groucho Marx
One of the signs of old age is that you have to carry your senses around in your handbag - glasses, hearing aid, dentures, etc.
Kurt Strauss
A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle-age looks tired.
Debbie Hansen
I’m so old I daren’t even buy green bananas.
Bruce Forsyth
Old age is like underwear. It creeps up on you.
Lois L. Kaufman
My photographs do me an injustice. They look just like me.
Phyllis Diller
I didn’t want to look my age, but I didn’t want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
Erma Bombeck
When men get grey hair, they look distinguished. When women get grey hair, they look old. When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Dick Solomon
I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.
Harry Hill
His toupee makes him look 20 years sillier.
Bill Dana
You’re at that age when everything Mother Nature gave you Father Time is taking away.
Milton Berle
The Royal Variety performance has taken on a geriatric air. People you assumed were dead totter on the stage to wild applause.
Richard Ingrams
They say that life begins at forty but so do lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.
L. C.
The great thing about being in your 70s is, what can they do to you? What have you got to lose? Freedom is just another word for having nothing left to lose.
Clint Eastwood
As a man grows older it is harder and harder to frighten him.
Jean Paul Richter
Old age is a terminal illness.
Anonymous
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven’t committed.
Anthony Powell
Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.
David Grayson
Life is too short but it would be absolutely awful if it were too long.
Peter Ustinov
It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
Brigitte Bardot
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.
Dion Boucicault
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral. Is it because we are not the person involved?
Mark Twain
We have put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
Frank A. Clark
Sleep is good, death is better; but the best thing would be never to have been born at all.
Heinrich Heine
During much of my life, I was anxious to be what someone else wanted me to be. Now I have given up that struggle. I am what I am.
Elizabeth Coatsworth
Don’t spend your life trying to please those who won’t cry at your funeral.
Gerald Brooks
I once wanted to save the world. Now I just want to leave the room with some dignity.
Lotus Weinstock
Old men are dangerous; it doesn’t matter to them what is going to happen to the world.
George Bernard Shaw
When you’re 50 you start thinking about things you haven’t thought about before. I used to think getting old was about vanity - but actually it is about losing people you love. Getting wrinkles is trivial.
Joyce Carol Oates
Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred per cent.
R. D. Laing
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost
Trust one who has gone through it.
Virgil
introduction | FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, SEX and MARRIAGE
HEALTH, MUSIC and BELIEFS | GENERAL