Quotes
GENERAL
Don’t get excited about a tax cut. It’s like a mugger giving you back fare for a taxi.
Arnold Glasow
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Will Rogers
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly and applying unsuitable remedies.
Ernest Benn
Ninety per cent of the politicians give the other ten per cent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible you haven’t grasped the gravity of the situation.
Jean Kerr
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Robert Orben
Originality is undetected plagiarism.
W. R. Ince
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
Wilson Mizner
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, “Why should I?” He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan
How do you know when buttermilk has gone off?
Anonymous
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Anonymous
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, slight stain.
Anonymous
Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.
Wilson Mizner
Television is still in its infancy - that’s why you have to get up and change it so often.
Michael Hynes
I saw the sequel to the movie Clones and you know what? It was the same movie!
Jim Samuels
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into a black neighbourhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
Once you’ve been on a plane full of drunken Australians doing wallaby imitations up and down the aisles, you’ll never make fun of Americans again.
Anonymous
A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.
T.H. Thompson
It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.
Lord Birkett
The lie is the basic building block of good manners.
Quentin Crisp
A fishing rod is a stick with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.
Samuel Johnson
I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing - the shadow won.
Muhammad Ali
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Oscar Wilde
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Ashleigh Brilliant
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul Ehrlich
A computer once beat me a chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
Dino Levi
It doesn’t matter what experts say, it’s what people like that counts.
Anonymous
A Boy Scout troop is a lot of boys dressed as jerks, led by a jerk dressed as a boy.
Shelley Berman
Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never engaged?
Steven Wright
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking and then I thought ‘What the hell good would that do?’
Ronald Shakes
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
Michael Davis
If it weren’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
Dick Gregory
A bookie is just a pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
Henry Morgan
Every man catches himself in the zipper of his fly once, and only once in his lifetime.
Walt Giachini
A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Colin Bowles
They are not really fixing the streets. They are just moving the holes around so the motorists cannot memorise them.
Herb Shriner
Always keep tubes of haemorrhoid ointment and Deep Heat rub well separated in your bathroom cabinet.
P. Turner
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Woody Allen
Somewhere on this earth, every ten seconds, a woman gives birth to a child. We must find this woman and stop her at once.
Sam Levenson
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot, but the guy who invented the other three, now he was a genius.
Sid Caesar
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts.
Andy Andrews
The man who invented the hokey-cokey has died. His funeral was a strange affair. First, they put his left leg in...
Al Ferrera
And finally...
Each person is born an original, but dies a copy.
Anonymous
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